Deep inside our souls we crave connection. We want true, authentic real heart-to-heart connection that penetrates the walls we've built up, and allow in the warmth of another's presence. This profound longing reflects our desire for a love that nourishes those parts who don’t feel deserving of love. By opening ourselves to this tender connection, we invite in a presence that fills our hearts with the deepest, most compassionate, heartfelt bond.
Yet, it’s ironic how this very thing that we desire in life, is also what terrifies us the most. The fear of intimacy is one of the deepest fears rooted in human existence, as it threatens to expose the vulnerable aspects of ourselves we’ve hidden from the world, and sometimes even from ourselves. In order to overcome the fear of intimacy we must take a journey into the worlds of patience, vulnerability, and self love.
“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.” ~ Rumi
Why Do We Fear Intimacy?
At its core, intimacy is about being fully seen, felt, and accepted for who you are. This requires us to reveal our true naked selves, which can be frightening if we’re unsure what another might find. We fear their judgment, rejection, and the greatest trauma of them all… total abandonment.
This heart gripping fear always stems from emotional scars left behind from experiences where our vulnerability was not recognized, validated, or emotionally received. Instead we were met with some type of cold distant energy that didn’t meet us in the warm fuzzy space where real intimacy thrives.
However, to live in fear of intimacy daily is pure torture to most human beings. Our DNA as tribal mammals was not designed to live in isolation behind a screen, or having 6 feet of separation from the soft tender touch that another’s body has to offer. When we avoid closeness because we think others might feel safer with more distance, we miss the opportunity to create deep, lifelong friendships. These profound heart based connections are vital for bringing real fulfillment to our lives.
"When we distance ourselves from others, we distance ourselves from the love and joy that enrich life." ~ Unknown
The fear of intimacy varies from person to person. For some, a deeply unsettling intimate moment might be a one-on-one conversation with a stranger, while for others, it could involve making up and apologizing to a partner after a long argument. No matter the level of fear you experience in connecting with others, the first step is to identify where you’re clinging to that fear and how it feels to move through it.
Overcoming the fear of intimacy is a transformative journey that involves healing the parts of ourselves we view as unlovable, which often stem from misconceptions about what we need as human beings. The three steps below will help you embrace a new way of relating to yourself and others, alleviating the fear of intimacy from your life for good. Enjoy the healing and revealing process…
1. Stay with the Uncomfortable Feelings
“What you resist, persists. What you embrace, dissolves.” ~ Carl Jung
The first step in overcoming the fear of intimacy is to confront the uncomfortable feelings that arise within the fear. The next time you encounter an intimate moment or situation that makes you feel anxious, stay with the uncomfortable feelings until they begin to change and morph on their own.
Rather than waiting lifetimes for intimacy to feel 100% safe, we must learn to accept that discomfort as part of the growing process in our maturity. Intimacy often invites us into the unknown, and this requires us to be present with the fear and discomfort, rather than pushing it away. The only way to overcome any fear is to meet it directly and welcome it into the furnace of your heart where all fear instantly incinerates.
By sitting for just a few minutes and breathing with the uncomfortable feelings of a fearful intimate situation, allowing the squirming wriggling scared energy to be present. In this allowing space, we create an opportunity to understand and transform fear into a friend. The acceptance of these sensation creates a shift inside us, where we move from avoidance to acceptance, and from guardedness to openness. Here we are allowing more room for deeper, more authentic connections.
2. Embrace your Most Authentic Vulnerability
“Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it’s having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome.” ~ Brené Brown
Intimacy is the sacred space where two souls meet, where masks are dropped, and the full naked truth is revealed. The gateway to this divine space is the path of vulnerability. Real vulnerability requires trust and a deep surrender. To be truly vulnerable is to allow another person to see you as you are, feeling your heart and soul completely unguarded. It’s scary, yes, but also the most courageous thing you will ever do.
Vulnerability is all about trusting that no matter what happens, you will be okay. Knowing that your worth as a person does not depend on someone else’s response to your vulnerability. So when you welcome vulnerability, you step into this pure space of innocence and authenticity. This is the juicy space where intimacy flourishes. The real beauty of vulnerability is that it creates an instant opening for others to connect with you, and for you to connect more deeply with your own soul.
3. Practice Being More Intimate with You
“To love oneself is the beginning of a lifelong romance.” ~ Oscar Wilde
At the heart of all intimacy is the relationship you have with yourself. If you do not love, like or respect yourself deeply, it’s difficult to believe that others would ever treat you the same way. When you love you truly, the other has to meet you in that same depth. Overcoming the fear of intimacy is a cultivation of an unwavering sense of self-love, where you recognize your own lovable worthiness, just as you are.
Self-love is a spiritual practice. It means that you’re constantly honoring and respecting yourself, speaking kindly to yourself, and always being extra gentle with yourself. It’s also allowing yourself the grace to make mistakes and grow. When you are basking in the warmth of your inner love, you no longer need to hide any unworthy parts of yourself from others. You become completely open, free, and more magnetic to those deep soulful connections that transcend ordinary relating.
When you fully embrace loving you, intimacy becomes less about seeking validation from others and more about sharing the abundance of love that exists within you. It’s a shift from seeking to giving, and in that giving, you find a depth of connection that surpasses fear. This transformation allows you to connect with others from a place of wholeness rather than neediness. As you become more attuned to your own worth, you invite deeper, more genuine connections into your life.
“You as much as anybody in the entire universe deserve your love and affection.” ~ Buddha
Practical Tips on Overcoming the Fear of Intimacy
1. How to Stay with the Uncomfortable Feelings. Intimacy may never feel entirely safe, and that’s okay. Instead of waiting for the perfect moment to become intimate, face the fear and breathe into any uncomfortable feelings your body has. Embrace and accept the fear you feel with each new breath. Know that every experience in life is temporary and this one too shall pass. Allow yourself to be present with where your body is holding the discomfort. This practice helps you to soften your shields, release the uncomfortable sensation, and open up to deeper heart connections.
2. Practicing Fierce Vulnerability. Imagine that you are able to keep your heart open and trusting, even when life feels scary or uncertain. Being a warrior of the heart means you’re giving up being a worrier of some unknown potential future. Vulnerability is the gateway to authenticity and real freedom in your relationships. It also helps you to deepen your spiritual connection with others.
When you’re being truly vulnerable, you’re coming from a deeper spiritual source of strength inside you that has nothing to do with weakness. Your truth is spoken with radical honesty, as you’re saying YES to showing up with an open heart full of courage. This means especially sharing your vulnerability when you feel you have no control over the outcome. By sharing what you are afraid to share, you become a courageous warrior, and start feeling the deeper truths inside your heart where real intimacy can blossom.
3. How to Practice Accepting and Loving Yourself. To cultivate a deep and unconditional loving relationship with yourself, first recognize where you are not loving you. Where are you being harsh, negative, critical, or repeatedly stressing out about the same thing in life each week. Notice where inside your body do you feel this sense of contraction or tension. This is where you are not loving you.
In that contracted space, affirm your own worthiness of love. Look at yourself in the mirror and say out loud, “I now deserve all the love, affection and appreciation I could ever want!” Repeat this as many times as it takes until it seeps into your heart in a soft opening manner.
This journey to overcoming the fear of intimacy is all about becoming fearless in everything that you do. It’s a process of learning to replace your judgments of self and other with unconditional love and acceptance. When you love everything about yourself fully, you’re willing to open your heart even in the face of your worst fear. When you can keep your heart open no matter what, you’ll find that the universe mirrors that love back to you in the form of deeper, more meaningful connections.
Now, it’s time to let your intimacy walls come crumbling down and embrace the most intimate heart opening connection you’ve ever had in your life. Heaven is awaiting you, so don’t procrastinate for another lifetime.
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you really love. It will not lead you astray.” ~ Rumi
If you wish to truly manifest extraordinary relationships and deepen your intimacy, it’s essential to embrace the practices below that invite profound closeness and genuine understanding. Below are my 5 practical yet deeply transformative secrets that will guide you in cultivating more meaningful interactions and creating bonds that enrich your life in ways you never imagined. Practice these secrets for the next 24 hours, and watch how they profoundly enhance your relationships and the love you experience… enjoy!
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